


Yume monogatari iroasenai gensou (The tale of a dream, an illusion that doesn't fade)

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Angst, Introspection, M/M, POV Second Person, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-17
Updated: 2018-05-17
Packaged: 2019-05-08 05:58:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14687931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: You’d like to think you’re still the one you were before, right Hikaru?You wish it’s be easy to go on, you wish you could ignore the way you feel, but deep down you know you can’t.You wish you could look Yuya in the eyes and think that nothing’s changed between the two of you, don’t you?





	Yume monogatari iroasenai gensou (The tale of a dream, an illusion that doesn't fade)

You’d like to think you’re still the one you were before, right Hikaru?

You wish it’s be easy to go on, you wish you could ignore the way you feel, but deep down you know you can’t.

You wish you could look Yuya in the eyes and think that nothing’s changed between the two of you, don’t you?

But you can’t help your anger. Your sadness, your pain.

You take it out on him because you know it’s just easier than taking it out on yourself.

The wounds of the love you’ve felt for Kota are still fresh on you; you think they should’ve scarred by now, and yet they’re still there, reminding you of what’s happened, reminding you how much you’ve hurt, reminding you that perhaps there’s no such thing as happiness for you in this world.

You’re tired, Hikaru.

So much that you wish you could close your eyes and not open them back ever again.

But you don’t dare.

You don’t dare closing your eyes because every time you do that you see Yuya, you hear his words, you feel humiliated.

_My life doesn’t concern you, does it?_

His life doesn’t concern you, it never will.

It doesn’t since you’ve decided to take your distance from him and his happiness.

It doesn’t since you’ve decided that this time you wouldn’t have just stood by and watched.

Because when Yabu has told you he loved Kei you were too young, too naïve, and you loved Inoo too much to really wish you could’ve done something to keep them apart. 

You knew you weren’t going to manage that anyway, because you’ve seen that look in the eyes of the boy you loved and you knew he was never giving up on Kei, because he was and is everything to him.

Now it doesn’t feel the same, not with Yuya.

Because if you’ve always knew you didn’t stand a chance with Yabu, when you’ve started looking around and you’ve seen Takaki, it has almost felt like breathing new, fresh air.

Because he was there, so close that you could touch him.

He was there, and there was nothing hindering the two of you.

You’ve waited too long, and that was your mistake. You didn’t let the past teach you something, you didn’t allow your experience with Kota help you.

You weren’t afraid, you’ve never realized were the danger laid, until it has played its hand and in the worst way.

So you don’t know how you’ve lost the moment when Chinen has stopped being a child, but you’re sure Yuya has noticed that, and far too well.

And again you’ve shut yourself up, you’ve cried bitter tears, you’ve screamed, you’ve suffered.

You didn’t make your move on time, you haven’t realized that he was slipping off your fingers, that he has never truly belonged to you.

Nothing truly ever has.

So there’s no looks of love for you, no almost casual gestures of affection, no bright smiles, alive, those that would be enough to prove that there’s love even for you, somewhere.

But there isn’t, nowhere, not for you.

It’s all around you, but it can’t reach you.

And this lack of love has slowly turned into hatred, and you can’t do anything to stop it.

You hate Yabu and Kei, those complicit glances of them, you hate the way Chinen eyes Yuya when he thinks no one’s watching, you hate even who doesn’t have a part in your unhappiness, you hate Dai-chan and the way his eyes seem to turn on every time Yamada’s around, you hate Yuto because he can be happy without any apparent reason to.

You hate them all, so much that you wish you never had to see them again.

Your hatred has scared you more than once, hasn’t it?

It has scared you when you’ve seen Yuya brush Chinen’s face and you’ve imagined to get closer and put your hands around his throat, holding tight until he wouldn’t have been able to lay a finger on him, until you would've seen his eyes close forever.

It has scared you when you’ve dreamed of seeing Yuri disappeared, seeing Yuya’s pain and being able to be next to him to collect what pieces would've been left of him.

And it has scared you when you’ve taken Takaki aside and you’ve yelled that hatred right in his face, when you’ve told him all you’ve thought of him, without stopping, without thinking about what you were saying.

It has destroyed you, seeing those tears, knowing that you were the cause.

You’ve felt disgusting, filthy.

And you’ve come to the conclusion that you’re the only one deserving that hatred and that anger.

We desire what we see every day, Hikaru.

And you’ve desired far too long that love that was in front of your eyes, you’ve desired so much that the desire has left you to rot, disowning whatever else has presented itself in front of you.

You wish you could go back, but you know you can’t, and you know it wouldn’t change much.

Because you’ve learnt to blame destiny; so on Yabu’s path there’s Kei, not you, on Yuya’s path there’s Yuri, not you. 

You’re on no one’s path.

You’re tired, too much.

So tired that you think you won’t be able to apply any strength to the blade that’s now caressing your veins, but it’s the last thing you can do for yourself.

You push, hard.

You see the blood, and smile.

Just a little while longer. A very little while longer, and no one will be able to hurt you anymore.

Not even yourself.

There’s no happiness for you, Hikaru, not in this world.

And running is for cowards, but it’s the only thing you have left.

Why not be a coward, then? Why not bow out without anyone noticing, while they’re all so taken in that love that doesn’t belong to you?

They’re all going to cry your death, and you know that, but not as much as they would cry the death of someone they truly loved.

The thought saddens you a little, but you’ve got no time for that.

You’re fading, slowly.

Close your eyes, get some rest.

All that you’ve desired and that’s been torn away from you, it’s going to be only a memory now.


End file.
